The feelings proclamation

2007-03-24T10:07:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm just too afraid of how you feel if I say smth
:'(

2007-03-19T02:57:00.000+08:00

2007-03-18T14:34:00.000+08:00

I kept tossing round my bed last night, I can't get myself to sleep even though i was very tired. I never felt like this before, i never felt so lost before and it's like i lost the slightest faith i used to have in myself. I was thinking so much till my chest felt uneasy and i have difficulty breathing, been feeling like this for quite some time and it feels bad. I was troubled by troubles until one point of time when i went blank last night but it came back haunting me agn half an hour later. I thought i could get a break from everything alas because sleeping was the only way out, unfortunately i was wrong. I was stressing bout exams because i screwed 4 of the subjs, i thought of giving up already but i thought twice when i look into mommy's eyes and saw the hopes she put on this sick child of hers and the constant advices to do well for my supps and the promise to keep it from dad. I let both of them so so down and i told myself i couldn't just go like this, leaving them with all these shit. Since i'm so used to sufferings, i might as well take all these and keep them from those shit i left behind.
But this feeling suck, when you got no one to talk to anymore and you got so many troubles. I thought going out could kill those emotions and i was partially correct but very wrong. I still think of what happened the past 2 wks. I can't help myself. somebody help me please?

Chris Daughtry's and Jesse McCartney's songs make me cry. I cried in the car, I cried in the lift and I'm crying in my room. I feel like a baby boy who cries for no particular reason and my head feels so heavy, my lip feels so numb and my chest feels so uneasy. I never cried like this before, this is bad. Till the last few paragraphs in this entry after half an hour, i stopped looking at photos and i stop crying but it doesn't mean that i'm letting loose my grip.

I used to get the best hugs in my life whenever I cry, I used to get the best pat on earth telling me to cheer up. Right now, i just want to run to you and tell you everything because these are killing me.

Just so you know this feelings taking control of me and I can't help it

Broken,

2007-03-17T18:05:00.000+08:00

My heart still feels heavy and I'm having difficulty breathing though I never spoken. I'll just let me be what I am till the day comes... I'm letting loose of all my grips for now until...

Neither unsure nor certain I was, I knew and I know that I love you.

2007-03-15T06:08:00.000+08:00

I brought shame to my parents, i brought shame to everyone. Really sorry, if i dont get a chance to apologise anymore.

2007-03-14T17:32:00.000+08:00

I give up on my life, I give myself up everything coz they're killing me softly.
Nobody regrets this life they chose for me, not even you

2007-03-14T07:20:00.000+08:00

What went wrong? What gave me the courage and heart to do it? I betrayed myself, fuck.

We are drifting apart and as we do so, more and more scars are left in my body. This is tragic

2007-03-13T19:25:00.000+08:00

Asking me not to care for you just because of clubbing and telling me to stop waiting just because of clubbing too, is my feelings so unworthy as compared to the 'fun' you get at clubs? just why? If that what you told me at esplanade that day was just an empty promise, i'll be very disappointed and upset because you threw my believes away.
I have this broken way too much, i can't stop myself from doing anything anymore. I can't stop myself from crying

2007-03-13T08:07:00.000+08:00

The word 'shut up' really screw me inside out, sighs.

Fuck what am I now.
It seems so broken
can you feel that I miss you alot?

2007-03-12T01:46:00.001+08:00

I got it all wrong last night
Tell me what are you thinking right now because i can see from the look into your eyes that you're all so broken inside. Did I make the right move, when i chose to keep quiet when i saw you shedding those tears? I know you're suffering, but so am I. I just want leave everythings behind and be there for you once agn.

I've been listening to Jesse McCartney's song for the past 6 days, the period of time when you weren't by my side. His songs reminds me of you and you brought my everything to a halt, i'll walk to a corner and weep. I miss you alot and i want you back agn now. I believe in this wait

P.S Sorry if i made you guys worried last night

2007-03-11T04:51:00.000+08:00

A sudden rush of feeling to blabber out whatever that have been gone through the past few days, ever since the day when you weren't there anymore. You shut your ears airtight, not giving the slightest chance to those words that i told you. I have been going through our pictures taken together and the messages you never fail to send me when i am on the way home or not feeling well. These really bring my heart to sink you know? I've cried so much at home or even when i'm just 15 storeys from you but i told myself to be strong in front of those who care for me. I don't cry infront of my parents, neither do i cry infront of zhiwei, zhihao, aloy, ivan nor many other goodfriends. I tried inflicting pain on my body not to make you feel threatened, but to make myself feel much better but the aftermath was terrible. I tried keeping my days so occupied and it was a real success till a point when i start to think of you at anytime, everythings come to a halt and i find myself a place to sit and feel my eyes turn teary, my hearts feel heavy and all i can think abt is you. I picture those happy days with you and i didn't treasure them. I should nt have made this girl friend and the more i shouldn't have contacted ever since the beginning. I'm really worn out from that day itself, i miss you.

Why does it always have to karen to cause misunderstandings? If only she didn't appeared in our lifes, things will be so great. I really don't understand and i'm more then eager to know but seems like you'll never hear me out. There is so so much that I want to clear with you between me and her alright and i'll repeat what i always say once again. She is someone whom i added at friendster long time ago and yes, we texted each other at times but with no intimacy at all. I don't know whether is it because of my words or any of my other 'charms', she started being intimate with her words in the messages but i swear that i didn't return her with any. There's already been one huge misunderstanding last christmas, and now so many more. I'm really upset when you blog about your doubts for me because i find that i've never been fake in front of you, but those entries proved your judgement otherwise. It was long ago when we last msged each other and i dont know why would you accuse me of lying when you asked me the qn. When i answered 'No', you started swearing at me without before giving me another chance to speak up. Suwei, this is one of the conversation i swear that i will remember because you never spoke to me like this before no matter how pissed you. At that point of time, i realised that you won't listen to whatever i said. Regardless of the number of calls i made and the wait, you still won't come down to see me. I've already explained about the entry in her blog, but you don't take that as an explanation. You just insist that I'm a big liar, someone whose pretending with you all these while and . Ever thought of it: Why would i put our relationship at risk over some girl whom i added at friendster but not interested in? I am doing everything for both our good and yet, things turn out so badly.
All I wanted is to speak to you and clear things out, why is it just so difficult? Am I really sucha irritant to everyone, especially you? Look i'm not complaining, i just want you to know that there's so much things i want to tell you and there are more. Having recieved your reply that night, i felt much better because at least you don't ignore me till the end but that was the last reply you made to me. Yes it's disappointing but i know that you still hate me and there's nothing i can do but wait. But just moments ago i felt much disheartened yet agn, although it was a short conversation, i still strongly feel that things are worsening because you never spoke to me like you just did. I shouldn't have talked to you at all or maybe i shouldn't have contacted you at all. One thing for sure is that I don't understand why you still hate me when i already told you what's going on and tell you things from the bottom of my heart. sigh, i'm not a fake i'm not a sweet-tongued. I mean whatever i say and i swear. No ones swear for nothing and if you still doubt me then i'm speechless. I got no clue why am i repeating these again and again, prolly because you still dont trust me.

Dude i should stop contacting you for now and until you cool of and think it over. It's not worth to blow things up because of these misunderstandings, i know it will be hard but i'm willing to wait. But you gotta know, life's been worse then anything else ever since you stepped out. I really the happy days we used to have and i want to spend them with you again. Please and more pleases, talk to me when you're rdy because i will never know when it's coming and be good to yourself, which means take real care of yourself. Take your medicine regularly and you must sleep well, don't stay up till 4am or 5am in the morning just to use the lappy because it's very bad for your health. I miss you alot..

I'm more then grateful to those who had listened me out and pump that little strength into me, people like zhiwei, zh, aloy, ivan and thanks gen. I hope things will be much better soon and i'll be standing up and running agn.

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around
You used to lean on me, the only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like we had no where we needed to go
Nice and slow, to no place in particular
I used to reach for you, I got lost along the way
I used to listen you always had the just right thing to say
I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow to anywhere at all.

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
The nights were clear for the first time that I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought we used to know
At least there's you
And at least there's me
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back? to how it used to be

I look around me and I want you to be there
Cause I miss the things that we shared
Look around me agn. It's empty and i'm sad
Don't you miss the days that we had?